(Attn: This has been my favorite blog post so far. Thank you.)
I think I have changed a little bit this past year. I think i’ve grown up a little in the sense that I just take more initiative to make changes in my life and doing things for myself or to make things better. I’m not there yet, but I think I’m certainly better. Mostly little things, like not waiting 3 weeks after decide the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out before I clean it. I’m also much better about budgeting my money. I pay more attention to what I’m buying and how much it costs and making sure I’m not spending too much money on things I don’t need. I check my bank account more often to make sure what I’m spending is ok for the amount of money that I have. I am much much better getting myself out of bed in the morning. I missed my first two days of class of the semester because I was sleeping. There was absolutely no excuse for it and it took a while to correct but it’s much better, as is my ability to make myself go to class even when I don’t feel like going. I definitely, as with anyone graduating, am thinking about the future more than I was in the beginning of the semester and trying to formulate some type of plan or at least a few options for myself.
It would certainly be very interesting (and probably embarrassing) to meet myself from 5 years ago. I remember receiving assignment (or several) in my first few days of college that asked me write down where I saw myself in 5 years. I don’t recall what I wrote down but whatever it was it probably wasn’t “just graduating from college”. I have grown up a tremendous amount, certainly in that I am more responsible but in a different way too. I have started to learn how to generate my own happiness. I remember being so miserable because I didn’t like school, I wasn’t making friends, so I would drive home every single weekend (my first two years especially, I probably stayed at school 2 or weekends the two whole years) to see my parents and be home cause there wasn’t anything in Natchitoches for me. I might have made more friends if i’d put myself out there and just been around more, you say, but my last year and a half I was around a lot and went to parties but just never clicked with a group of people. I have definitely been fortunate here in finding a great group of friends and a great community to be a part of. I am okay with being alone. I am okay with not having plans and just cleaning my apartment on the weekends. And maybe most importantly, I don’t feel ashamed of who I am or who I’ve been. I don’t cower like a scared child when I feel intimidated by someone. I’m able to hold my own in a conversation and if you don’t like me, thats fine (you probably weren’t fabulous enough to handle me anyway). I still have the occasional self confidence/validation issue, but for the most part, I really love me and I have the confidence that I can achieve my goals.
If there’s one thing I have learned about where I am at in relationship to starting a career, and where most people are, is totally fine. I don’t feel ready, or at least I don’t feel as ready as I thought I would. You know that “magical” feeling they say a bride gets when she tries on the right wedding dress? I guess thats sort of how I thought I would feel about being ready to start my career. Like, “Ok. I finished my classes. I have a degree. I’m ready for all the auditions now and I will get hired. Career here I come!” But that’s not how I feel. I sort of feel like a cat standing in front of a puddle that’s too big to jump across. You know you’re gonna have to walk through the damn puddle to get where you’re gonna go, but it’s scary and intimidating and it’s probably gonna be uncomfortable as hell but you have to get your feet wet at some point. But I guess what surprises me the most is that I’ve become ok with letting go more than I ever have before. I understand that not everyone will stay in your life forever. I understand that you can’t stay in one place doing one thing forever. I understand that everyone has seasons in their life, some like a summer breeze, and some like a never ending rainstorm, and sometimes you have to let that breeze take you somewhere else because it’s just time.
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