Journal 13 - Keep on Moving: A Personal Reflection

(Attn: This has been my favorite blog post so far. Thank you.)

I think I have changed a little bit this past year. I think i’ve grown up a little in the sense that I just take more initiative to make changes in my  life and doing things for myself or to make things better. I’m not there yet, but I think I’m certainly better. Mostly little things, like not waiting 3 weeks after decide the refrigerator needs to be cleaned out before I clean it. I’m also much better about budgeting my money. I pay more attention to what I’m buying and how much it costs and making sure I’m not spending too much money on things I don’t need. I check my bank account more often to make sure what I’m spending is ok for the amount of money that I have. I am much much better getting myself out of bed in the morning. I missed my first two days of class of the semester because I was sleeping. There was absolutely no excuse for it and it took a while to correct but it’s much better, as is my ability to make myself go to class even when I don’t feel like going. I definitely, as with anyone graduating, am thinking about the future more than I was in the beginning of the semester and trying to formulate some type of plan or at least a few options for myself. 

It would certainly be very interesting (and probably embarrassing) to meet myself from 5 years ago. I remember receiving assignment (or several) in my first few days of college that asked me write down where I saw myself in 5 years. I don’t recall what I wrote down but whatever it was it probably wasn’t “just graduating from college”. I have grown up a tremendous amount, certainly in that I am more responsible but in a different way too. I have started to learn how to generate my own happiness. I remember being so miserable because I didn’t like school, I wasn’t making friends, so I would drive home every single weekend (my first two years especially, I probably stayed at school 2 or weekends the two whole years) to see my parents and be home cause there wasn’t anything in Natchitoches for me. I might have made more friends if i’d put myself out there and just been around more, you say, but my last year and a half I was around a lot and went to parties but just never clicked with a group of people. I have definitely been fortunate here in finding a great group of friends and a great community to be a part of. I am okay with being alone. I am okay with not having plans and just cleaning my apartment on the weekends. And maybe most importantly, I don’t feel ashamed of who I am or who I’ve been. I don’t cower like a scared child when I feel intimidated by someone. I’m able to hold my own in a conversation and if you don’t like me, thats fine (you probably weren’t fabulous enough to handle me anyway). I still have the occasional self confidence/validation issue, but for the most part, I really love me and I have the confidence that I can achieve my goals.

If there’s one thing I have learned about where I am at in relationship to starting a career, and where most people are, is totally fine. I don’t feel ready, or at least I don’t feel as ready as I thought I would. You know that “magical” feeling they say a bride gets when she tries on the right wedding dress? I guess thats sort of how I thought I would feel about being ready to start my career. Like, “Ok. I finished my classes. I have a degree. I’m ready for all the auditions now and I will get hired. Career here I come!” But that’s not how I feel. I sort of feel like a cat standing in front of a puddle that’s too big to jump across. You know you’re gonna have to walk through the damn puddle to get where you’re gonna go, but it’s scary and intimidating and it’s probably gonna be uncomfortable as hell but you have to get your feet wet at some point. But I guess what surprises me the most is that I’ve become ok with letting go more than I ever have before. I understand that not everyone will stay in your life forever. I understand that you can’t stay in one place doing one thing forever. I understand that everyone has seasons in their life, some like a summer breeze, and some like a never ending rainstorm, and sometimes you have to let that breeze take you somewhere else because it’s just time. 

Journal 12 - An unending cycle of stereotypes

It was a challenge for me to think of three tropes or plot devices that bother me because although I certainly have likes and dislikes, but I tend to not look at things with a very critical eye. I don’t know if this comes from me being an overly nice person or what, but most of the time I can’t put my finger on the precise things I didn’t like about a movie or show. I’m trying to get better at this as I think evaluating what we think works and what we think doesn’t and looking at art with a critical eye is an important skill as artists. With that being said, thinking with all my might, these are some of the very repetitive things I see in a lot of entertainment today I think we could get rid of/certainly see less of. 

I remember what it was like to be a young teenager in high school. The pressure to be perfect, or at least be acceptable to everyone else. I was personally never like anyone else so I wasted a lot of effort there. Teenagers spend most of their time at school and when they’re not at school they’re doing homework or involved in social activities with their friends so I certainly understand that this seems like their whole world, but I’m really tired of every movie and tv show about/geared towards young people being about the social hierarchy of highschool. While some of it is true, I think continuously using this in television, movies, and on stage is just perpetuating the idea that this is just part of high school and therefore is damaging to young people. For example if a group of girls hadn’t seen “insert ‘cool’ tv character here” start a clique and be mean to people “less worthy” while driving around top down in a convertible, maybe the wouldn’t have felt the need to start picking on other kids to gain a sense of power. Maybe kids who are different wouldn’t feel like they were “the nerds” or “geeks” or feel bad they weren’t good at sports. I think this appears in all schools at some level, but I think with it constantly being thrown at kids from all directions it’s gotten considerably more pronounced, especially in this age where social media reigns supreme. 

Another overused character type I think we have is the “female CEO/businesswoman who has trouble being accepted”. I think there is some good intention behind this. I think people are trying to show that it is a reality that women have a tougher time gaining and being accepted in positions of high power. It is true that we have far, far fewer female CEO’s in our country than male CEO’s. It is true that women are, on the whole, payed less than men for the same work. I think it is true that to obtain a high up position, women feel like they have to go above and beyond to prove themselves in a way that a man would never have to. But, with that being said, I think by making this the subject, or at least a major plot point, in movies and tv shows these days, we are perpetuating the idea that, “hey it’s unusual for a woman to be holding this type of position” when it shouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary. I don’t know how far away we are from true gender equality in our country but I hope not too far. 

Another idea we see a lot that I think is unfair ( and kind of the opposite of my last example) is the “cheating asshole guy” character. While I think it may be statistically true that guys cheat more, or at least are known to cheat more (this may be unfair), I think it’s hard for good guys out there to have a good reputation and be trusted because, especially for a lot of women, we see guys as being mostly untrustworthy. I think this also creates the idea that somehow this behavior is “ok” or “more acceptable” if you’re a guy, and that certainly isn’t true. I think the best way for us to combat things like this at LSU is to continue to produce theatre that shows multiple points of view and gives the audience something to think about. 

Journal 11: Rejuvenating my inner artist

I never really thought of it as a form of rejuvenation but I guess it is. I think for me, going to see show is a rejuvenating experience. I don’t just mean going to see any theatre performance, though I usually find some enjoyment in most of the theatrical experiences I attend. I am referring to going to see a professional production like a touring Broadway show. It’s been quite a while since I saw  a show, for numer reasons. For one thing, the past year and a half has kind of been a whirl wind and I haven't had a lot of extra time, and secondly it’s expensive. But when I do get to see show, especially one that I’m really excited about, it’s always such a spirit igniting experience for me. From walking into the theatre, to finding our seats, to listening to the orchestra warm up, and all the way through the show, I love every minute of it. The anticipation, the energy, the smell of the theatre, looking at the curtain at the beginning of the show imagining what’s going on behind it. It always gives me this feeling of, “Oh man I want to be up there on stage. I love this world. This is what I’m meant to be doing.” And it always kind of makes me excited about my career and all the possibilites for the future. I definitely would like to get to see more shows, as time and money permits. As an artist, I find that there are many hobby like arts that really just get me feeling excited and feeling like taking action. I really enjoy sewing/designing costumes/outfits for myself and I really enjoy cooking and baking. While these aren’t theatre related, they involve creation and artistic expression and skill and I find that these activities in particular help open my mind to possibilities and choices and new ideas. This feeling of possibility and finding joy definitely carries over into my theatre work and gives me a sense of optimism and control. I think a lot of hobbies ilike this are very similar to theatre in the sense that you're working towards goal that can be unique as you want it to be, and there’s an end product that you can enjoy and/or use as marker of self improvement or areas that need to be improved upon. Something I do occasionally to check in with my inner artist is to go back and watch/listen to old material and watch old videos/listen to old recordings of myself. Especially when I am feeling an artistic block or feeling like I'm not improving it really helps to go back and see how much I’ve grown. Then I can tell myself, “Hey look how far you’ve come. You never could have imagined where you’d be now. Just imagine if you keep working hard how much you can improve in five more years!” And then I can get re-excited about my future and about areas that I can improve on. It’s always helpful to have little breakthroughs and self discoveries. Sometimes I’ll be having a really difficult time with an acting or singing technique, especially one that i’ve had trouble with in the past. Figuring it out and understanding what you’ve been doing wrong is a really exciting feeling and helps promote self confidence and positivity. 

Journal 10: Some thoughts from my brain.

To undergrad theatre students everywhere:

                    Be yourself. And I don’t just mean listen to the music you want to listen to and wear the clothes you want to wear without worrying about what people think. I mean don’t be afraid to share with people the things that make you tick. Stand up for what YOU believe in. Don’t try and fit in for the crowd for the sake of fitting in. Let your personality shine through in your work. Be involved when you want to be involved but you don’t have to do everything. Be able to help people, just out of the kindness of your heart but know how and when to say no. Love your friends and be loyal to them but remember you don’t have to go along with the crowd all the time. Be thoughtful. Treat other people how you would want to be treated. You don’t have to be friends with everybody, but be kind to everyone and keep an open mind about other people. We are all here for the same reason: we love theatre. So know that the person next to you is here for the same reason and never underestimate anyone else’s passion for theatre. Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes before you make a judgement or get upset. Especially if it’s someone you don’t really know, you never know what that person has been through or what they have really going on. 

                     Pick your battles wisely. Know when and where to keep your head down and when you should stand up for an opinion that may be unpopular. Do the work that you want to do. Get good grades, finish school, dot the i’s and cross the t’s, but by no means listen to people saying you should do this or that. Do the work you want to do the place you want to do it with the people you want to work with it. Remember there’s more to your college experience than college itself. It’s four (or five) whole years of your life. Have a life outside of school. Stay close to your family and your old friends. Have hobbies and interests outside of school. Have a way to unwind whether that’s painting a room in our house or cooking yourself a nice meal at the end of the week. Don’t wait until you graduate to plan for the future. Do lot’s of research, look for opportunities, but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Be okay with being alone. You won’t always live with a bunch of roommates or be able to be constantly surrounded with friends so find the joy and the peace in just being by yourself. 

                  Don’t worry, no one else know’s what they’re doing either. We are all just trying to figure it out together. Everyone else feel’s like they don’t have their act together either. If you feel behind and like you have a million things to do just make a list for yourself and check it off one thing at a time. If you’re worried worrying is not going to help. Take it one step at a time. Being productive feels really good. Set up a system where you reward yourself for being productive. Complete a reading assignment? Watch an episode of your favorite show on Netflix. Write a paper? Go and get yourself a milkshake. I don’t know about you but when my space is neat, my mind is neat. Hanging up the pile of clothes in my room or cleaning that sink full of dishes really makes me feel like I have time to sit down and think about that project I have to do. 

Journal 9: Am I annoying? Is this annoying you? Are you sure? How bout now?

I feel like my self worth goes back and forth across various extremes. I also feel like my self worth (and admittedly this is a little unhealthy) is directly related to stress/productivity and success/outside validation. The little voice (I typed “vice” the first time on accident ironically) goes from “Wow look at you, that was successful. Things are great. You’re talented and beautiful and you deserve happiness and success” to “Who are you kidding. You’ll never succeed and you’ll be miserable because you’re not very attractive, you're not talented enough, and you’re dumb and lazy.” Like I said, extremes. Particularly the last couple months i’ve had the latter attitude about my self worth. Between being behind in school work and not having much success personally or for my career I’ve been in a bit of a slump. I’m at one of those points where I’m thinking, “Okay, somethings got to give. This thing coming up is gonna work out. This is gonna go great and be the thing that breaks this cycle of negativity.” Then I don’t get whatever it is and the self worth sinks a little more. I will be the first one to admit that I need to look more to myself for positive self worth and positivity. I don’t generally consider myself a negative person, but I think I have a bad habit of looking for validation from other people to get me going. A lot of times this validation comes from getting cast in a show. Anyone who has known me for a long time can tell you. I am my happiest when I’m in a show and i’m at my most unhappy in long chunks of time where I am not working on a show. I guess subconsciously when someone puts me in a show it’s kind of like them saying, “Hey it’s valid that you love theatre because you’re actually kind of good at it and by the way, you’re attractive enough that people won’t mind having to look at you on stage for two hours.” I’m aware that this is silly and I should know and believe these things automatically it’s just one of the little things about me I need to work on. I would like to find a happy medium between these two extreme states of self worth. I would like to be able to think about myself and say, “Hey, you're pretty smart and you’re a good person and you deserve happiness. You’re gonna be okay it’s gonna be a great day.” But it’s just a really hard thing for me. I blame part of this “looking for  validation” thing on rough experiences in elementary and middle school. I didn’t have a lot of friends and the kids I went to school with were pretty mean so I kind of felt like something wrong with me. I remember when I was in Annie was 11 and I invited a couple of the other orphan girls over to my house. I asked one of them if I was annoying and told her to make sure to tell me if I was being annoying and I would stop. It was really sad but I just assume that people weren’t going to like me. While I have lots of wonderful friends and have had lots of success since bing that award middle school girl there’s still a part of me that still feels the need to check in with people to make sure that I’m still okay and still an acceptable human being. I think once I can figure out how to just be comfortable and confident on my own I will be a little bit healthier of a human being. 

Journal Entry 8: Not your mama's belief system.

I think a big part of growing up for everybody is realizing the things that have been sort of imprinted on you as far as your beliefs and customs and asking “Why?” and deciding what you’re gonna keep and what you're gonna throw out. It’s kind of like cleaning out your closet. You know that dress really worked for you 4 years ago when you wore it to your cousin’s wedding, but it’s not 2011 anymore and it just doesn’t fit you the way it used to. I think it’s hard for us to understand why some people believe the things that they believe. I think some people take more from their upbringing than others. Some people do a complete 180 and don’t want anything to do with their pasts and their families and some people stay in one place all their lives and believe everything their parents told them to. I think both of these can be unhealthy to a degree. I’ve definitely made my own decisions about what I believe and stand by, or maybe more so what I don’t believe in. I think people are scared to question and wonder and scared to have those hard conversations. Often times (and I especially notice this with my mom and people of her generation) I will ask her why she believes something, and her response is something like, “That’s just what I believe.” There’s no real explanation or reasoning. I think in my mind at least there’s a pattern in people of my mother’s generation (the whole fear of God generation) especially living in the south, where they just accepted everything their parents told them about race and religion and sex and never asked “why?” or “why not?”. I think as artists we have a responsibility to ask “why?” Especially as an actor, I might be asked to be play someone with beliefs completely opposite of my own. I need to then, as an actor, be able to look at that character without judgement and try to find something in their belief system that I identify with or a reason why they believe what they believe. I’ve gotten to a certain point with some things that I just know to avoid talking about them to my mom. Religion and LGBT rights are two topics that I know mom and I will just have to agree to disagree on. The difference is, I feel like I’ve thought about “both sides” of the situation and have chosen the most ethically sound option where as I feel like my mom just chooses whichever side has been planted in her head is correct. Maybe this thinking isn’t fair to her, but that’s just how I see it sometimes. I feel lucky and grateful to have escaped the “regurgitating of parents exact beliefs” syndrome that seems to be especially prevalent in the ultra conservative south. There’s a certain life model that is the “norm” I guess for most of the people where I’m from and that is, “Grow up, graduate college, find another white, straight, catholic person to marry, have children and a job, and take care of your parents when they get older (all of which you do in the same 30 mile radius” I feel like as someone who is consciously breaking some of these life pattern norms it is very important for me to form strong opinions about religious, political, and social issues and not just believe them but be able to back them up and have civl grown up conversations with anyone who wishes to talk to me about these issues. 

Journal 7: But i'm not Asian...

For me, probably the greatest moment of sychronicity in my life was being cast in Avenue Q at Theatre Baton Rouge. It came at a time in my life when I was beginning to doubt that I had a future in theatre, or the kind of future I wanted in theatre. I was in my junior year as a theatre major at NSULA and with each year in the program my hope of being successful in the program dwindled more and more. From the day I first auditioned for the program I was consistently told that I was very talented and had a fantastic voice but for whatever reason time after time I would audition and not be cast. At NSU, there was a musical theatre concentration that you had to audition to get into, and part of that was a dance audition. I was never a great dancer, but I would be in dance classes with people even less coordinated than I was and I would see them get into the concentration and not me. It was very frustrating. I was cast twice, once to come on in the last 10 minutes of the show and sing a single line of a song, and the second time I was more or less a costumed stage hand. I had to keep on taking voice lessons and working on my own to try to keep my love of theatre alive. I was pigeon holed into working in the costume shop and being a costume designer by the department because they knew I could sew and I had a love for fashion, but they just didn’t understand that that wasn’t what I wanted to do. A friend of mine at school told me that her dad was  board member at Theatre Baton Rouge and they were going to be doing a production of Les Mis during the summer and that I should audition. I did go and audition and got several callbacks but in the end I was not cast. For some reason though, that part of me that has drive and ambition and forces me to keep going kicked in and I decided to see what other shows they were doing in their season. The next show was Avenue Q, and it was going to be over with the day before I started school so I could feasibly do the show and then go back to Natchitoches for when school started. That was when I hit my limit with school. One of the faculty members that was a mentor to me told me that it was very possible that we were going to be doing Thoroughly Modern Millie in the coming season. She wasn’t the only one, we were hinted at left and right that we were almost certainly doing the show. Millie is one of my dream roles so I immediately thought to myself, “This is my chance. This is meant for me. I’m the best person for the job.” So because I was obsessed with the 1920’s at the time and I had been thinking about it anyway, I bobbed my hair in the hopes that it would help my professors “see me in the part.” Well the joke was on me, because the following week the new season was announced at the big musical was going to be Hairspray, not Millie as we had been told. I was so angry that I marched straight to the office of the most despicable professor in the department (who controls everything whether she’ll admit it or not) and basically yelled at her about how hurt and mistreated and underused I felt (not my proudest most professional moment but it was true all the same). That’s when I decided that I couldn’t stay there anymore and I would transfer to LSU. The following weekend (with my newly bobbed hair) I went to Baton Rouge to audition for Avenue Q. I was thought that the only part I would possibly be right for was Kate Monster, but largely thanks in part to my hair I was called back for Christmas Eve and got the part. Not only did this renew my faith in myself and my future in theatre, but I found a family and a home away from home and some of the best friends I will ever have. The next year was the happiest I have ever experienced.